I get it, okay: high school sucked.
The spit-balls, the wedgies, the names - all of these things simply because you enjoyed learning. Because you didn’t like team sports and you liked technical things instead.
I know. I’ve been there.
And now you’re in an office and you seem to be the one person who’s bothered to read the manual, or you’re a programmer and the bullies who dunked you in the toilet are now assholes with Business Communication degrees who’re messaging you on LinkedIn because they have a great idea but they’re lacking a “tech-wizard to put it together”.
“It’ll be like Facebook but with pets! You can probably put it together in no time,” they say, condescension dripping off their every word.
I know. I’ve been there.
And you come home to your family at Christmas and the first thing they mention is that their printer isn’t working. Or their friend’s printer isn’t working. And they’ve already said you’ll take a look at it. ”You don’t mind, do you?”
I know. All this because you like making things.
But here’s what I want you to do: don’t buy this t-shirt.
Buy another one.
A sunny, happy one.
One with a cool design on it or even just one with your favourite website on it. If you absolutely must buy a black tshirt with white writing on it, make it an geek inside joke, because you can explain that to people and, while they almost certainly won’t laugh, they’ll understand a little more about who you are. And other geeks will appreciate it.
But don’t buy this t-shirt, because I can guarantee two things if you do:
- the bullies will have won. Carrying your wounded, delicate intellect around on the front of an ugly, arrogant t-shirt is scientifically and absolutely the quickest way to show anyone within reading distance that you’re an unhappy, unhelpful person who has been hurt and is only happy when they’re broadcasting how much they know and how little they’re willing to share this knowledge that no-one’s asked for.
- the only people who’ll find this t-shirt amusing will be the same wounded, smug assholes like you who give the rest of us geeks a bad name. And newsflash: odds are good they won’t sleep with you either.
You really want to not be seen as simply someone who fixes computers? Buy a sunny t-shirt. Smile when people ask for help. Gently remind them it’s your time. Firmly say no, and remind them that you’re just a person like them who wants to keep their work at work. They might be a little unhappy, but they won’t be able to fault you for it. And the office people? They might just also realise that the grumpy IT guy is actually just human, and tasked with fixing problems that, ultimately, they’re usually the cause of. They might start talking to you at office parties. You might make a few friends. You might not eat lunch alone.
But here’s the most important point. The real reason I want you to not buy this t-shirt, besides the fact it’s doing you, and the rest of us geeks, absolutely no good.
Every single time I see a guy (and it’s always a guy) wearing this t-shirt, I want to find every girl they’ve ever liked - every cool barista they’ve crushed on, every sparkly receptionist they’ve never had the guts to talk to, every hot next-door neighbour they’ve only ever seen briefly in the hallway - I want to find them and I want to buy them a bright, fuckoff neon tshirt with “NO, I WILL NOT SLEEP WITH YOU” in giant, goddamn letters right on the front.
And honestly, who has that kind of time.
Agreed. Every guy I know who owns this shirt (and unfortunately, it’s a lot of them) fixes my computer when I ask. And it is correct that I will not sleep with them.
